Tutorial

Sample Game

Basic Rules

NEW!   The Squigbificator!

Welcome. So you wanna learn to play Squigby!, huh? You may be thinking, "I'll never learn this. It's too hard." . . . Well, you're right! But thanks to this fun and informative tutorial, you might just have a Pope's chance in hell. Let's begin . . .

You have discovered a deck of standard poker cards. 54 of 'em, including the two Jokers. You have a few choices . . .

1. Take out the card that contains the Rules of Poker, and begin shuffling.
2. Screw the "Rules of Poker" card! Just Shuffle 'em all!
3. Squigby!? Sounds dumb. I don't wanna play.

Well, for those who answered either #2 or #3, you obviously aren't serious about wanting to learn Squigby!. Go fish!

For all you bad shufflers who chose #1 and are now playing a quick game of 52 Pick-Up, finish and read on.

The point of Squigby!, like a lot of card games, is to get rid of all the cards in your hand.

The first and most important rule you need to know is the Squigby! Rule. This rule simply states that during game play, no one may utter any expletives of any kind. This means no "shits," "damns," "fucks," "darns," "phooies," anything. All expletives must be replaced with the term, "Squigby!" Failure to follow this or any of the rules will result in you being "Barfed." When Barfed, one must draw a card, and that means pick one up, not sketch a picture. Now, getting Barfed is a bad thing, because you don't want more cards.

Squigby! has been described as Uno for crackheads. I rather like calling it Alice's Cardgame in Wonderland. Either one works just fine, so there!

Choose a player to deal. This person shall be known as the "Dealer." The Dealer begins by giving out seven cards to each player, whether they be animal, vegetable or mineral. (Squigby! does not discriminate.) After dealing, place the remaining cards in a pile on whichever playing surface you will be using, (i.e. table at Denny's, floor, toilet bowl, etc.) The pile shall be known as the "Draw pile". Adjacent to either side of the draw pile will be the "Recycling Bin" and the "Squigby! pile". The person to the left of the dealer is known as the "Connection". The Connection starts the round by placing a card (any card it doesn't matter) from his or her hand on to the Squigby! pile. The next player (play always goes to the left) places down another card on the Squigby! pile (again, any card will do). This card has now established direction! (Woo-hoo!) What this means is that if the second card played is higher than the first, all cards played subsequently must also be higher, and vice versa if the second card is lower. (Cards of the same rank can be played one after the other, but we'll get to that in a moment.) Please note that suits play no part in this game (unless you're wearing a leisure suit, but we'll talk about Unsquigbylike Play later).

Aces are both highest and lowest, but not both. This means that when someone plays an Ace, no one can play any card other than another Ace. When a player has no cards that will continue the direction of play in the Squigby pile, he must cast his head down in shame and Take The Squigby. It is customary, although not essential, for the person to exclaim "Squigby!" at this point. Taking the Squigby! means that the player must draw from the Draw pile the amount of cards that are in the Squigby! pile. The Squigby! pile is then placed in the Recycling Bin, and a new round begins. The same player then puts down a new card in the Squigby! pile. Then, the next player puts down another card, and a new direction is established. Play continues in this way until one of the players (a) drops dead, or (b) gets rid of all the cards in their hand.

Those are the easy directions. The next 476 items are the little detail rules that make Squigby the fun game that it is.

MISCELLANIA INSANIA

• "Pull / Mulch" - When a player decides to put down a card of equal rank to that which has just been played on the Squigby! pile, the player utters "Pull!", and places the card on the Recycling Bin. (Duplicate cards never go in the Squigby! pile.) In response, the player who played the first of the identical cards says, "Mulch!", and then draws a card. This player does not have to do landscaping.

• "Push / Mush" - Immediately after a Pull, if the next player puts down another of the same card, the player utters "Push!", and places the card on the Recycling Bin. The previous player, who Pulled the player before, now says "Mush!", and draws two cards.

• "Cucamonga / Anaheim" - If the next player after that puts down a fourth card of the same rank, the player utters...yep, you guessed it, "Cucamonga". The previous player, who Pushed the player before, (Note: physical violence is Unsquigbylike) now cries out...take a guess...right! "Anaheim!" This player now draws three cards.

• "Anti-Cucamonga" - The Pulls and Pushes are incontestable, that is, if someone Pulls or Pushes you, you must draw the appropriate amount of cards. However, in the case of the Cucamonga, the player who would ordinarily say "Anaheim!" and draw three cards, may elect to discard an Ace, if it is in the player's hand. If so, that player exclaims triumphantly, "Anti-Cucamonga!", and the player who originally called the Cucamonga now has to draw three cards.

• "Tribble" - If a player has two of the same card, both may be played simultaneously. The player cries out, "Tribble!", puts one card in the Squigby pile, and the other in the Recycling Bin. Unlike Pull / Push / etc, no one else needs to say anything, although feel free to say "Squigby!"

• "Home Run" - Same as above, except with three of the same card. The player exclaims "Home Run!" (Can you see the pattern?)

• "The Greatest Thing Ever" - This is what is triumphantly exclaimed by the player who plays four of the same card. Because, think about it, it really is the greatest thing ever.

  Note: If a player tries to play five of the same card, there is something seriously wrong with your deck.

• "Wurlitzer" - I bet you were wondering where Jokers would fall in this game. Well, they'll fall on the ground, with all of the other cards if you're playing on an inclined surface. But otherwise, a player may play a Joker, regardless of what's on the Squigby! pile, and pronounce "Wurlitzer!", and selects a direction, left or right. (The Joker is placed on the Squigby! pile.) At this point, every player passes their hand to the person in the direction chosen by the player who called the Wurlitzer.

• "Double Wurlitzer" - When a player has two Jokers in hand, both may be played and a "Double Wurlitzer" is called. This time, the hands are passed two players down, in the direction specified by the player who called it. As usual, one Joker goes on the Squigby! pile, and the other goes in the Recycling Bin.

  Important: Wurlitzers may NOT be used to win the game. So if your last card is a Joker, you must take the Squigby.

• "Wootzle" - Like Uno, where the player who has only one card must say "Uno!", in this game when a player has two cards left in your hand, the player must say "Wootzle!"

• "Wootzit" - Likewise for when a player has only one card.

• "YAWP!" - Although not an official rule, when a player plays the last card in the hand, it is customary for the winner to yell a triumphant barbaric "YAWP!" Player proceeds in celebrating in whatever fashion seems fitting, for the player has won the game.

Failure to follow any of these rules is Barfable. Barfs can be contested, and as always, the majority rules. If the player is rightfully Barfed, they must draw a card. The one exception to this rule is failure to say "Wootzit!," which results in the drawing of two cards.

Some of this may seem slightly confusing, and some of you may not like certain rules. You are in luck. Squigby! is a democratic game, which is to say that any of the rules are subject to Adjudication by all who are playing. Don't like Pull? Pull it out! Think you've been wrongfully Barfed for Unsquigbylike behavior? Call for a vote! Squigby! has been structured for your fun, entertainment, time passing, and life wasting. Tailor it to fit your needs. But most of all, HAVE FUN!